Thank you so much once again for the opportunity to meet with many of your members, their leaders and share their passion for elder care.

I liked your company slogan, CARE with ATTENTION. I felt like I was speaking to dedicated people who are already living your values.

In a great chapter on Love by Scott Peck in his book, The Road Less Traveled, he says that “Love is work. The main work of love is attention. And the main work of attention is listening.”

A child feels loved when we pay attention. Too often our attention is given when the child is doing something wrong. That’s why Scott Peck needed to add, “The main work of attention is listening.” It is when we stop what we are doing, kneel down beside a child, and say, “What is it?” and then listen that he feels loved.

This principle fits all ages, husbands and wives, managers and employees. Certainly the elderly are no different. We pay attention when they are in trouble or in a crisis, but it is when we pay attention and listen when they are not in crisis that tells them we like them, respect them, and they feel loved.

My wife’s mother was in the nursing home with a slight crack in her hip. She was ninety-four years old, a very shy and humble person, who rarely said anything to the staff. The doctor came in and sat down very close to her and introduced himself. He said, “Mrs. Lindgren, tell me exactly what happened.” She looked over at my wife as if to say, “you tell him.”

My wife, Aura, began to tell the story. But the doctor stopped her and said, “I would like to hear it from your mother.” Then Aura explained to the doctor that her mother couldn’t speak very clearly because she did not have her teeth in at the moment.

The doctor smiled and said to her mother, “Go ahead and tell me, I am good at understanding people who don’t have their teeth in.” So her mother proceeded to tell exactly what happened. He nodded his head and watched her eyes as she slowly told the whole story, understanding every word. After he left her mother said, “Isn’t he a nice doctor?”

One of the most common complaints about doctors is that they are in a hurry and do not listen well. In a study that I read about a few years ago, it said that doctors interrupt their patients on average every 18 seconds while they are trying to tell their story.

In another study, using physician interns at a teaching hospital, the doctors were told to talk to half of their patients standing up beside the bed, and with the other half they were told to sit down as they talked to their patients. To make sure all the conversations were exactly five minutes, the nurse called the doctor out of the room after five minutes. Then the nurse would ask the patient, “How long was the doctor here?” Whatever the patient guessed was written down. The study showed that the perception of time was twice as long if the doctor sat down, and half as long if the doctor was standing. The conclusion was that when a doctor (and I suppose that this applies to all the caregivers) sits down, her body language says to the patient, you have my full attention, I am not in a hurry. I want to listen.

Only by listening, do we get to know another person. If we do the talking they get to know us, and what we want from them, which is probably why we usually do more talking than listening. Although talking to them shows them attention, it does not help us get to know them. Only when we listen to their story, do they feel known and loved. The highest compliment we can give people is to listen to them without judgment or advice.

For years I used to listen to focus groups of six to eight managers talk about their work. One of the questions I would ask is, “What are our barriers to great service in this organization?” The most common answer given was, “Poor communication.”

I would say, “Does poor communication mean you need more e-mails from administration?” They would say, “No!” Then I would say, “Does it mean you need more postings on the bulletin boards, or more items in the employee newsletter?” “No!” they would say again. When I asked for an illustration it was always a story about how somebody in another department or in administration would make a decision that affected them without discussing it with them first. In other words what they meant by “poor communication” is that nobody listened to their opinion.

I have also asked a group of employees what they want in a manger. One of the things they often said is, “someone who asks for my input and listens to my ideas.”

This is a universal need in human beings. It is often easily ignored by those in positions of authority. Managers who do all the talking, analyzing, planning, and instructing are usually not good listeners, even though they are giving the employees attention.

So I love your slogan CARE with ATTENTION. But I hope we will also emphasize that the best attention of all is listening, and that it is when we LISTEN that we really show our patients, staff and families that we CARE.

Fred Lee